For years I used feel slightly guilty when people would ask "Do you work?" and then annoyed when my reply seemed to provoke an assumption that it did not amount to much. Sometimes it is hard to describe or even notice the small tasks so at the end of each day, it would be a complete mystery why I should be so tired. It never seemed as if I was doing anything important and that used to worry me.
Lately through visiting a very elderly relation I have learnt that sometimes it is enough just to be there. Whilst everyone else has been busy out there achieving things, we have both gained over the past few years through having discovered time opportunities to be with each other.
Through taking on a commitment to visit, I have received a smile of recognition on a regular basis. It is lovely to be asked how I am, and for news of all the younger family members. In that way alone I feel valued.
At times we would grumble about how the modern world has got all its priorities wrong. It would seem from talking to my aunt that we do not grow or eat enough vegetables these days, we snack all the time in a way that was quite unheard of in her youth, everyone is too competitive, under so much pressure and that some of the rituals associated with belonging to a family have been lost. Through her descriptions I have a very much better idea what it must be like living by the sea. We have shared ideas on how to grow vegetables, cookery attempts that went wrong, and talked a great deal about nature.
My aunt was brought up to be stoical. When you have nursed patients in a London hospital during the blitz, it can also shape your perspective. She has taught me to make best use of the opportunities you have rather than waste any time over what you have not. Instead of grieving about her falls, failing health and increasing blindness, we try to make each moment as good as it can get.
Lately it has been harder to hold a conversation because my aunt gets very tired. We are as a result now about a third of the way through her favourite childhood book, learning about Winnie the Pooh together. For me this is a very humbling experience.
When there are practical problems, this tells me as much about my own weakness, how I need to be patient, understanding and adapt my expectations to another person's needs. At times I used to joke to my aunt about being an absolutely rubbish nurse, with a tendency to trip over the patient rather than be of any practical use. It may seem there are other things I might do with my time than to visit an old lady on a regular basis, but I honestly believe the things we do for love last forever.
Even though my aunt managed some of her cup of tea during my last visit, it is so tiring and difficult eating. It seems she is getting smaller every time I see her. When the phone rings at an unexpected time, I am always thinking and worrying that it might be something to do with her. It is sensible to be prepared but even more sensible to feel so proud of someone you have gradually got to know, and tell others not to be afraid of developing an opportunity to listen out for someone you love.
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